Loser.

Why do we have to feel sadness in order to know what is happiness? Why can’t we just feel different level of happiness and with no sadness as a benchmark?

These few days I have been trying to hold back my tears. I feel like a loser. I feel like a obstacle. I feel like a burden. I feel like… the world would be a better place without me. No one knew I suffered mild depression and I had thoughts of suicide. But I told myself to stay strong because there are people who relied on me. If I fall, they will too. & I am not going to let that happen.

I can’t remember if I had mention that I might be moving in with my sister and her husband. As first, I was excited to finally live together with our family. Then, I got less excited when I got to hear that he wasn’t really happy about it. And lastly, I felt reluctant but I got no choice to move in together. I feel somehow, my mom, bro and I are creating troubles for my sister. I have tried to be as polite and respectful as I can. Taking as much responsibilities as I can. It doesn’t seems enough. I am not complaining. I know how to be grateful. & I am.

I just wish I could do better. Why am I such a loser?

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Envy.

Current Location: Ikea Alexandra

Reason: Accompany relatives to shop for furniture.

Why envy?

They are shopping for their house, home.

I don’t really have a place called home. I have a place to stay but not a home.

I will be moving soon.. to my sister’s new house. I was happy & excited about moving in with my sister, a place we could finally call our own though I know someone new will be in the same house. As you can see.. I said ‘was’. Because I’m no longer happy. I felt unwelcome, unwanted.. a burden. I wasn’t alone.. my brother and mom will be there as well. But I know we are obstacles to my sister. My sister wanted us to be finally together but someone else feel otherwise.

I wish I had a normal family so that we would not be a burden to my sister. I feel both grateful and sorry for my sister. I know we have been relying on our sister for so long and caused her much sadness. I am such a failure. As much as I want to protect them, I can’t.

If only I have enough money to buy a house of our own. If only.

 

A Good Cry.

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It has been a long I cried soooo darn hard. I guess I have been keep a lot inside and all I could do is just cry. I have so many things to say but I can’t. Not even here. I can’t even say it to people I know or strangers. I feel lost. I feel my life is unfair.

I always try to compare myself with people in the third world countries so that it will keep me in mind that I’m blessed with many other things.

They say, all we need is love and happiness. People in third world countries could have been easier to love and loved as well as contended and happy with even little things. But I can’t & I don’t.

All I can do is only cry to make myself feel better.

What you give is not always what you will get.

There are many times in life I wonder why I give so much, especially to people who are very close to me.

Maybe sometimes they don’t realise it, but it hurts me sometimes. Like I’m really unimportant to them. Like I’m always second, third or last…

It becomes more obvious when there’s only a few of us. Comparison is easier to make, especially to others. It’s obvious that I was less loved. Maybe I think too much. But I do feel the difference. We weren’t very same at the beginning anyway.. Our relationship is just long term, i’ll say.

But people who came across in my life, I will never treat them differently over time unless they chose to leave me. Or else, I will just love them more than ever.

I’m a loyal person. I don’t give up on people. I will always give my 100%whenever I can. Even if they are just using me, or me being unimportant to them… it doesn’t matter. I’ll never stop loving & caring. Well, that’s me.

The 14 Worst Things That People In Relationships Do | Thought Catalog

The 14 Worst Things That People In Relationships Do | Thought Catalog.

Being treated like a little girl.

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I am not the girly girl kind. I am tough, I laugh loudly and I curse a lot. (:

I love it especially when guys treat me like a girl, a little girl, a vulnerable & needs protection kind of girl. (This is not about love.)

Maybe it’s because I have always been independent. I have always been the big sis. I have always been able to walk home alone in the middle night without worries, carrying heavy bags, cooking my own dinner etc etc. I can do a lot of things on my own.

So when guys treat me like a proper girl, I feel happy. Genuinely blessed. & I’m blessed to have this kind of friends. I remember once these two friends walking me home even though it was a very short distance and totally out of their way. I remember this guy insisting of getting me home first even though the cab will have to go an extra distance to reach his destination. I remember these few guys making sure I’m sheltered and not feeling cold. I remember this other guy lent me his jacket (& surprisingly it fits me even though he was much slimmer) home because I was cold. && I remember this guy who would always pat my head when he sees me like I’m his little sister.

It is these little actions that make me remember them as well as putting a smile on my face. Always & ever even though most of whom I have not met for a long time.

So guys, treat every girl the way a girl should be treated. We are not asking you to shower us with verbal love, money or gifts. Just a single pat on the head can make a girl smile all day.

*After reading Fifty Shades of Grey, I kinda miss the feeling of heart racing or thinking about a guy every night (not about sex). I kinda miss holding hands, movie dates, kisses & hugs*

I will never stop caring.

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“The less you care, the happier you’ll be.”

I came across this quote a few weeks ago. It is true & I know it. Even my mom once said that I shouldn’t care so much. But I can’t stop myself. It has already been part of me. I can’t change that.

Some asked me why do I care so much. I couldn’t bring myself to tell the reasons straight to their faces. Why do I care? Why will I never stop caring? Why?

It is because… I know & understand the feelings of no one cares. I know how it feels even when you thought that someone cares but they don’t. Especially, when you been through a bad day, all you want was to rant it out to someone who you thought would care but they dont. They just don’t give a fuck damn. It is definitely a feeling no one should ever be there. That is why I always care. Even when they don’t want it or find me annoying, I will still care. Deep within them, I know, it feels good to have someone caring for them. Right?

So boys, when I care, that doesn’t mean I’m in love with you. Don’t think too highly of yourself. Some may find me annoying for randomly texting them for a while. I mean I’m not those kind pestering them every minute or every day. If I did that, I would find myself annoying too.

So bear with me people. Let me find myself a little useful and meaningful for living, ya?

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