Being lonely.

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What’s the feeling of being lonely for life? As in no love/life partner? As in the other half to share your happiness & sadness? All the life, I’ve worried about this. What if no one would ever love me? Its a sad life. At least to me, it is.

Whenever I brought up this topic, people around me would say as long as family and friends are there for you, you wont be lonely. But hey people.. its different. Everything is different. You dont understand because you’re not alone now & even if you are, you can get love easily compare to me.

& lets face the music, people im this world is still very much judgemental, even I am at times. But I try to refrain as much as possible because I believe in karma.

I’m not sure if I’ve talked about my past relationship here before. Just a quick summary. In my 22 years of life, I only had a relationship & it lasted for a year.

I dont know if I should even regard it as a relationship. Basically, I know this Malay boy named Nazrullah, during my part time job. It took me some time to see that he’s someone who can take care of others, a sweet & kind person. After a few months of knowing him, I fell for him. O had never expect to be in any relationship with him. All I wanted was to be there for him. We got close, we went out for movies and dinners like a date but it wasnt. We chat to sleep every night like any couple/couple to be would do. We called each other with special sweet names like as if we’re in a relationship. Knowing each other’s friends like as if introducing your partner to your world. But it wasnt, I thought too much & I confessed. What I got was denial & laugh it over. What I got, is the same old sentence that I have heard for several times, ‘You are a very good girl or rather kinda perfect but…. you’re just not my type’. Juat get it straight, I have good personality but I am fat & not that prettt & so I am out of the league. How realistic is that? Trying to protect my feelings? But hey, you have no idea how much it hurts too.

I am not a perfect person but I like to do things perfectly. For me, I would do anytjing for people I care about even if sometimes its overrated.

So.. what I did is doing things for him willingly. If he’s bored, I accompanied him. If he’s alone, I would be there for him. If he needs help, I would give it to him. If he like this girl, I would help him to woo that girl. Anything for him.ย 

I have cried uncountable times. I have been hurted by him for soooo many times. But still, anything for him.

This lasted for about 2 years until 18 December 2008, the day I thought my sacrifices did not go to waste. He messaged me that night to tell me that we could be together. I thought for awhile before I answered him. Why now, I thought.

Perhaps, its gonna be my first relationship, I got nervous, scared.. mixture of feelings. Or perhaps, I was desperate & tempted to have a relationship. Well you know this kind of opportinity dont come so often for girls like me so we have to gab every opportunity we got.ย  So, I agreed & we got tgt.

During the half year of relationship, he confessed something to me. Okay, you can judge how bastard he is or in other way being sweet. He told me that he got together with me because he pity me & that I treated him so good & took care of him when he needed someone to. HE PITY ME. I vould have fainted when I heard this. But he added on that he had fallen for me as months gone by.

So anyway, the whole relationship was rather too perfect.. well.. too fake I guessed? We hardly quarelled. Most of the time we are with his friends. Most of thr time, I kept the unhappiness within me & he being unsensitive not to notice it.

All along, I got this feeling that he dont actually love me or into me. Its like.. he’s entertaining me.. like some sort of charity. After our anniversary celebration, I decided to let him go. I broke up with him. I even thanked him for the year being with me. & I thougjt if he really love me, he would hold me back. But he didnt. It hurts much thar I could literally feel the pain im my heart. Not many people knew what happened & why I broke up first. Especially, my parents and sister. I didnt tell them what happened becuase I didnt want them to worry about me.

Anyway, just 4 months later, he got in a relationship with a beatiful girl who is his sister’s best friend. He had fallen for her even before we got together. & of course, I cried and I could feel the pain again. For the 4 months we broke up, I’m like a crazy person, regreting & pestering him.

But when I know about his new relationship, I’ve stopped & even gave them my blessings. All I wish is to be friends with him but because of his girlfriend, we couldnt. & to add on, the current job hes having now is the one I found for him. & also because of this, they quarelled about this. For this, Im really sorry.

Maybe because of all these that I could do for him even after he hurted me so much, she felt intimated by me & so she stopped him from contacting me. Its sad, for me. Why be intimated by me, i always wonder. Hey girl, he already chose you, Im a loser. It doesnt matter who does more, who has a better education.. all that matters is that you’re the one he loves.

Anyway, they are still happily together as of today, for 2 years plus. & I believe they will last long. I also heard that they are saving up dor marriage already. It hurts a little but it okay because Im just a human like everyone else.

Whatever the case is, I give them my blessings & forever will be.

Okay, I got off track of the topic and it wasnt exactly a quick summary.

So anyway, Im afraid of the next relationship if there is any. The phobia is there. I dont want to be the one who is always giving. Its tiring. & its torturing to pretend everything is fine and keeping everything to myself. Something that I am still learning is to share and let out my feelings.

& I have to love myself before someone else will love me. Hopefully this is true.

Im not desperate. I just dont want to end up alone.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Roshni
    May 26, 2012 @ 23:38:56

    I so understand your emotions. I’ve loved and lost, too. So, even I’m scared of making the same mistake yet again. I hope you begin to see yourself in a new light so that you can love yourself and find happiness in yourself…because happiness comes from within. Once you discover that happiness, I’m sure you will find love, too! ๐Ÿ™‚ Keep smiling, you look really pretty when you do. I mean it.

    Reply

    • The Fatgirl
      May 27, 2012 @ 01:03:33

      Yea, hopefully that day will come. No worries, I am a strong woman.. Even if I’m tired of being one, I will still carry on that. As much as I want to rely on others, I know there were many who rely on me still. If I fall, they fall too. & of cos, I would not try to give up on love and continue to have faith that I will get the best karma. Anyway, thanks for the compliment. I hope you are doing well too. ((:

      Reply

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