When you are born as a burden, an extra.

Some people say, all of us born into this world is to contribute something useful to the society, to the world we live in. So what if you realised, you can’t do much like a burden or an extra?

I deceived myself a lot. I think a lot. I dream a lot. Dreamt that I will appear at Forbes magazine as someone useful or earned big bucks. Dreamt that I have a happy family. Think that I’m lucky. Think that I can be happy.

‘I’m forced to fake a smile, a laugh, every day of my life’ย 

‘I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty’

Because of you by Kelly Clarkson

I know that phrase so well. Practically, that is what I do every time. I’m not a smart person, I don’t study well. I don’t have a meaningful job. I don’t know how to be happy. I don’t even remember how happiness feels like. I feel so pathetic that I pity myself.

Maybe I was really born as a burden, as an extra. A burden on family’s financial. An extra in perhaps public transport. Whatever which I don’t feel belong. .

Some people tend to bring me up and then let me fall so hard right through to the core of the Earth. They make me feel important and be part of their lives but one day, they stopped, they forgot about me. So I would desperately contact them and try to be part of the lives again and then I realised, I became a nuisance, a desperate.

They don’t need me. They already have someone important in their lives to share everything with. They already found that special one who can give more than me. So why should I still be in their lives?

I feel like I’m a failure. No matter how hard I want to prove it wrong, I can’t. When I moved a step higher, they moved too. I can never keep up with them.

I don’t wanna hate them. I don’t wanna lose them. I am needy and desperate but some words are just so hard to say. I’ve stayed strong all the times and so how do I let go of my ego? My ego is the only thing that protects me now.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. LoveJays
    Feb 23, 2013 @ 14:46:05

    I commend you for your honesty. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.Your words have power. I know sometimes life can be hard and it’s okay to acknowledge those feelings, but try and move past them. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. People say “pain is weakness leaving the body”, I believe the same is true about vulnerability. Embrace these feelings and grow from them. Imagine yourself the way you want to be and everyday, little by little, take a step towards becoming that woman.

    -Miss J

    Reply

    • The Fatgirl
      Feb 24, 2013 @ 23:02:50

      Thank you for reading and commenting Miss J. As years goes by, I believe I will be better. In time to come, I would have learnt how to digest these little issues to positive ones. And, of course it would definitely be hard if I were to do this alone. But still, I will keep that faith going. I will be more determined to climb each step harder if I ever fall.

      Reply

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