A long confession

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A confession I never thought saying.

I have been strong for the longest time. I have been strong for my family, I have been strong for my friends, I have been strong for people I don’t know, I have been strong for myself. I have been strong in front of people for so long that I don’t know how to be weak.

I don’t tell my family about my deepest inner self because they have hell lots of things to worry about and I don’t want to add on to their burdens. I don’t tell my bestest friends because I know I am their pillar of strength and I can never fall or they will too.

Honestly speaking, I can never say what I feel unless I know that someone is stronger and is able to take it all off of me. I have yet to see someone who knows what I feel, just give me a hug when I need it, a hand to hold when I feel I’m all alone. I need that. I am not asking for a boyfriend or a lover. Not at all. To me, BGR is just gonna be another burden for me.

What I need is a friend, a friend I don’t really need to know and I can just dump everything at him/her knowing that he/she will still be there to listen.

What I don’t need is worrying whether I will be disturbing their lives. What I don’t need is wondering whether they will be able to take It. What I don’t need is to tolerate & pretend that I am happy & that everything is gonna be alright. Where’s the assurance? What I don’t need is knowing that I’m always gonna be a forfeit.

“If you lose, you have to fake propose to her. If you don’t do this, she will kiss you. Be careful, she will crush you. Eeeww, her? ”

I know I have been cheery & heck care what people say. That’s only on the outside. I digest all the words I hear. I drown those anger and sadness with my pretense. Because I know, one step taken wrongly, I can end up alone. Really alone. There’s no such thing as best of both worlds for me. Either I hold it up and be friends or I get angry and becomes enemies/strangers.

But hey, I’m a girl still. My heart is fragile too. I’m fat & I know it. There’s no need for you guys to rub it in.

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